I have to confess something. Ever since my metastatic diagnosis over a year ago I have felt kind of funky. I felt as if I have aged at a rapid pace, I've struggled with sadness, maybe depression at times, and lots of insecurity. I can't exactly pinpoint what the feeling is, all I know is that it infiltrated my space. I went from being a fairly confident person to someone whose body betrayed her once again, but this time in a big way. It was a big enough shock to the system that for the first time I thought the cancer would finally win, and I was losing my voice, not literally, but having no say anymore. I was insecure about how I looked, how I did my job, I was a wreck speaking in public, and everyday when I looked in the mirror all I could see was a girl who was exhausted from fighting her body. I didn't even like having my picture taken because again, I saw a girl that was tired. Having cancer and what it does to your psyche really sucks. Over the last couple of months things have changed. I'm feeling more confident again and getting my fight back, thank goodness. I believe it's from having a stable scan now for almost 2 years and from gaining strength from telling my story and knowing how far I've come.
What is beauty? After cancer, every person is beautiful to me. Here are my thoughts:
Beauty comes from our history. Beauty comes from knowing that we are each a unique creation; in being confident in how we are wired. Beauty comes from the depths of our soul, how we treat people and love even our enemy because we know they are also a unique creation and that they also have a story.
True beauty comes from within, and I don’t mean from within tubes of lipstick or jars of anti-aging lotions (although of course, those are fun to play with). No amount of make up can change who we are on the inside. True beauty comes from our story, the pieces we pick up in our journey that continues to mold us into who we will be tomorrow. Soak it all in; the good, the bad, and everything in between.