• Anna

Two Breaths



I had quite the week. My scan, which was scheduled for Monday had to be canceled because the insurance company wanted to review my case to decide whether I actually needed a scan or not. This was a bit of a jolt to the system because it takes quite a bit of mental preparation to even get to scan day. As a metastatic cancer fighter who has been getting scans every three months to determine if her tumors are growing, I rely on these scans (maybe too much) to determine how I will live the next 3 months until the next scan. 'Rely' may be too strong of a word but knowing if your cancer is progressing is a pretty big deal. I was able to reschedule for 2 days later so I quickly got over the hump of anxiety and disappointment.


Tuesday I was in a minor, which could have been major, car accident while taking one of the kids to school. We're both fine thank goodness. Later the same morning I got a call from the hospital canceling my scan again because insurance denied coverage finding it not medically necessary...WHAT???? It took me a minute to get over the first cancellation, this time, I lost it. Angry, frustrated, nervous, I called my insurance company and made her listen to my WHOLE cancer story and why the scan was necessary for my case. Wednesday, my doctor's office called the insurance company and were told after further review they decided to approve my scan which then was scheduled for Friday. Lesson: WE ARE OUR OWN ADVOCATES!


Interspersed into these 2 major events we had a child graduate high school, moved another child back to her college town into a house, and had to turn in a leased car while finding another...all of these things just since Sunday. Of course there is always teen drama and what have you, pushed into the small bits of time that I'm just trying to find a little peace in. How does one find peace and solace when there is barely enough time to breathe? How do I release the stress of having cancer while attempting to still handle real life and all the unexpected daily events from insurance companies, work, teens, ex-husbands, etc? 'Anything you can't control is teaching you to let go.'~J.Kiddard Hmmm. Ann Voskamp recently wrote, 'Waiting is a letting go to let something grow.' I can't control any of those unexpected daily events and I can't control people, including my kids so I have to let go. I consider Ann Voskamp's quote and I wonder about the word waiting. Waiting to me means time, cancer takes away time so I view all of that simultaneously; the waiting, the letting go, the living, the growing, it's all mashed together. Inhale wait, exhale let go. Inhale life, exhale grow. Two breaths. Can it be that simple? I know I have God on my side and that knowledge is everything. In a podcast I listened to, John Green called God the painter while we (humans) were simply the frame. So yes, through adversity and daily challenges, I will remember my two breaths living life and trusting God the painter of masterpieces. Inhale wait, exhale let go. Inhale life, exhale grow.

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