But what if I fail of my purpose here? It is but to keep the nerves at strain, to dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall, and baffled, get up and begin again. -Robert Browning
'What if...' I hate 'what if ' because it's either a question stemming from fear moving forward, or it's looking backwards at some of the decisions you've made along the way with regret and wishing you made a different choice. Every day, there are what ifs.
What if I never had cancer? It's a big question. I have a hard time remembering who I was and what type of person I was before cancer. There are some 'solid' things like if I hadn't had cancer I wouldn't have written a book, I wouldn't have started a blog, I wouldn't have a lipstick company, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet all the amazing people along the way and done all the cool things that I've done. Maybe if I never had cancer I would be a little more selfish, maybe a little less grateful, and maybe a lot more rushed. Maybe I wouldn't take the moments to stop and stand in the rain or close my eyes and stick my face in the sun. I AM a little different, maybe A LOT different, like I said, I can hardly remember my old self. I love more, my heart breaks easier, I listen more intently, and I try not to take people or days for granted. On the other side I'm less tolerant of jerks, mean people, angry people, 'life-zapping' people...waste of time and energy. So was cancer a blessing? In some ways. Would I have chosen to get it....NO WAY. What if I never had cancer? Can't focus on the 'what ifs'...ever. No fear looking forward, no regrets looking back.